What was your immediate reaction when you read the title of this post? 

Some mild discomfort? A slight twinge of anxiety? A bit of giddy anticipation? 

One of my goals as an executive coach is to encourage my clients expand their professional vocabulary. I urge them to consider adding words like “peace,” “contentment,” “joy,” “prosperity,” and “intimacy” to the way they think and talk about the work they do – or would like be doing.

Not words that came up often in my company’s strategic planning retreats back in the day. 

But intimacy? Really?

When I first introduce the word “intimacy” into a coaching conversation, my client’s mind immediately goes to physical intimacy, because that’s the paltry, narrow way we’ve become accustomed to thinking about ways of becoming open and honest with others. 

Intimacy – the courage to forge close, authentic, personal relationships – is essential for building trust with others, and to drive your career forward, you’ll need the support, encouragement, and trust of your colleagues. 

I was never good at math, but one equation I’ll never forget comes from David Maister’s book “The Trusted Advisor”:

“Trustworthiness = credibility + reliability + intimacy / self-orientation.” 

Maister goes on to write that people with high intimacy skills “are not afraid to take emotional risks by being open about themselves, for example acknowledging some personal failure or limitation, or being willing to engage in a conversation in which they’re not an expert.”

Here’s one simple suggestion from Warren Berger, author of a remarkable read titled “The Book of Beautiful Questions,” on how to start creating deeper, more intimate relationships with those we work with: ask some “beautiful questions…[questions that] shift your current thinking and open up new possibilities” for relationship.

Forget the lame, habitual question we ask when greeting someone at the start of the day. Stop asking people “how are you?”. Instead, be creative in the questions you ask when greeting others. Here are some examples from Berger’s book you can use:

“What’s the best thing that has happened to you today?”

“What are you excited about in your life right now?”

“What are you most looking forward to at this gathering?”

I would add two more of my own favorites: 

“What’s the most annoying thing that’s happened to you this morning?”

“What were you thinking about as you drove [took the train, etc.] to work this morning that you couldn’t stop thinking about?” 

Additionally, when you’re meeting someone for the first time, ditch the customary “what do you do?” question. Instead, ask:

“What are you most passionate about?”

“What problem do you wish you could solve?”

“What did you want to be when you were growing up?”

Asking these kinds of questions requires the daring to open ourselves up to possible rejection, even ridicule, but that’s the price we pay for creating the possibility of intimacy. The juice is worth the squeeze.