Silence connects us directly and immediately with the deepest level of our shared human experience and stands as a profound gesture of recognition and respect. 

When my son was a freshman at his all-boys Catholic high school, he used to entertain us at the dinner table with impersonations of his religion teacher, Ms. Geary. Whenever she got fed up with the rowdy behavior of her students, Ms. Geary would stand in front of her class and, in a barely audible whisper, beg her students to “practice silence.”

I didn’t think about it at the time, but I can now see that “practice silence” is sound advice not just for testerone-charged high-school boys but also for those of us who coach executives. Silence is a powerful communication skill to develop if we’re interested in connecting with other people – in building trusted relationships with our clients, or with anyone, for that matter, for whom we care deeply. That’s because a thoughtfully-timed moment of silence in a high-stakes conversation signals humility, vulnerability, and a genuine desire for community.

We are, as the social psychologist Edgar Schein reminds us in his book Humble Inquiry, a “do and tell” culture. We feel compelled to demonstrate our intelligence, our power, and our authority by sharing everything we know every chance we get. Not surprisingly, we often think of silence as an absence of communication, and we tend to regard people who choose to remain silent as having nothing important to say.

That’s a mistake. Silence is much more than an absence of anything to say – it’s also an effective tool we can use in conversation whenever we sense there’s more to be said than language can convey. Alain Cardon, a master coach who writes frequently on the subject of coaching technique, notes that great coaches use silence strategically to create an empty space, a “vacuum” that “extracts the concerns, motivations, doubts, and ambitions that originate from the deeper recesses of our clients’ souls.” We need tools we can use to draw these secrets out of our clients in a way that is safe, secure, and supportive.

Let’s admit it – we’re fascinated by our clients’ secrets. We’re intrigued by the assumptions and beliefs that prevent them from seeing new possibilities in work and life and keep them from becoming the best versions of themselves they might imagine. It’s important to give our clients every opportunity to allow these secrets to find the light of day so they can be examined, revised and, if necessary, discarded.

Silence, skillfully and deliberately employed, is just the right tool for the job. It conveys our unconditional belief in our clients’ ability to move forward, beyond stuck. Because it transcends language, silence connects us directly and immediately with the deepest level of our shared human experience and stands as a profound gesture of recognition and respect.

To my mind, there are three coaching scenarios in particular in which it’s best to establish and maintain a few moments of silence. These include:

• whenever our clients are struggling to process new information that is inconsistent and at odds with the way they currently think about the world
• whenever we sense that we’re about to speak more out a need to demonstrate our own expertise than out of our obligation to facilitate our clients’ understanding, and
• whenever we start thinking of our clients more as machines that need to be repaired and less as human beings who are capable, resourceful, and courageous…whenever we start to feel the urge to fix our clients’ problems or resolve whatever issue that’s holding them back. In doing so, we absolve them of responsibility for finding their own answers in a way that makes sense for them.

It’s time to reconsider the way we think about silence. We ought to view silence as a powerful tool that allows our clients the space they need to sort things out for themselves, to do the kind of thoughtful work that facilitates learning and growth. Silence also represents an offer of unconditional support. As Alain Cardon notes, when we practice silence with our clients, what we’re really saying to them is “I am here for you. You can go on.”